Monday, June 22, 2009

Get Outta Here and Fuggetaboutit

Have you seen Im a Celebrity, Get me out of here? Celebrities volunteer to rough it in the jungle for charity-no frills, only given rations to eat and the immunity challenge usually consists of them eating something disgusting-such as Bull Testicles or live Stick Bugs. Normal challenges include pushing a big cart on high wires and collecting styrofoam groceries that are strung in the air or playing a game like Milton Bradley's "Operation" only if one person touches the sides with their tool it will send a shock to another celebrity who is wired up. HAHA

Here's a great new and improved version casted with Sacramento Politician and/or their wives,
I present to you, the contestants of the new, "Im a Smarmy,Jiveass,Crook... Get Me the Hell Out of Here"-

Arnold Swartzenegger:Flung, unceramoniously, into this group because of the absence of a "Nazi-Hummer Lovers" team member.

Seventh day, and already three people have been voted off the show. Happily, it was the three most irritating and juvenile little arrogant, narcisstic, twat-i-ticans ever to darken the jungle’s doorstep-Darrell Steinberg, Barbara Boxer and Anthony Villaraigosa.
Wait, there are no doorsteps in the jungle, just vines and moss and other assorted goodies.

Maria Shriver: wife of the steroid laden, lying, Frankenstein lookalike-Governor of California, she now looks precisely like a statue of a transvestite sculpted from a giant raisin, and the recipient of the highly religious, Noreen Evan's laughably impromptu prayer session yesterday (’Dear Lord, please stop all the bad people from being naughty to Maria and Arnold-they are pretty and nice and made of fairydust, and have lots of good stuff in their sofa-I know because I have been to their mansion in California twice, and consider them both my BFF's'). Maria is quiet, stoic, and likely to be around for a while because it looks like she's used to going without food.
*Little-Known trivia: when Arnold and Maria have sex- Arnold calls out his own name at the climactic moment, then Maria makes herself vomit in a baggie.

Karen (Buzz Cut) Bass: once a former instructor to crack ho's, Now, douchebag Speaker of the House/snake, who serves in the military on weekends. Always guaranteed to be controversial, Karen is known for her never being able to pass a budget on time, which makes everyone want to bite their fingers off and swallow them in the hope that we choke to death and never have to hear her harpy chant of "MORE TAXES".
*Little-Known trivia: the camp’s tent-like shelters were constructed from Karen's hair and the heating of the food is generated from the magnification from her thick glasses. The last time she got a hair cut, producers gathered up the old layer and used it to craft those sturdy tent structures.

Chuck DeVore: 70th District Assemblyman (republican in Irvine) Never heard of him and neither have you- unless you’re up on the two facts that he constantly brags about-resigning as republican whip and going against leadership(which consisted of throwing a magazine at Mike Villines), both in february. Oh yeah, he's trying to get a senator seat in 2010. Should be quite successful on the show, what with his personality of a dialtone and his two facededness. Caught on Secret Cam, sqatting and shitting right in camp at midnight and stealing one of the 3 granola bars that were allotted for the women,sneaking it somewhere in the jungle where he was alone, then eating it.
*Little-Known trivia: Republican Whip is Sacramento code for a Dominatrix

Anthony Adams: 59th District Assemblyman (Republican for San Bernardino) and former law clerk for Count Chocula, So worthless in office, is up for recall by his district-has been heard in the jungle yelling "RELEASE SOME JUNGLE MONKEYS IN CALIFORNIA - WE CAN TELL EVERYONE IN THE STATE, THEY WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND FUCK YOU IN THE ASS, IF WE DONT GET MORE TAX MONEY!"

Noreen Evans: 7th Distict (douchebag Santa Rosa) and part time social worker- genuinely, utterly, literally-a pointless waste of some perfectly good carbon and several trace minerals. Did I mention, Clueless-as well?
Noreen finally decided to quit the show for good, to enable her more time to search sofas everywhere in California for money to aid and care for the, (and these are her words-not mine), "black and mexican's" who are incarcerated...but not before she was baptised in the local river by Anthony Adams.

Next week we get to hear Arnold call Maria a "Whiner and girly man" as Maria sticks her finger down her throat after eating her high caloric rations on hidden cam.
And watch as a hungry Karen Bass, eats the skin she sheds

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